Tuesday, January 22, 2013
'The Following' Review
(Clap, clap) "Sshhhh...everyone sit down. We've got so much to go over before we start rehearsing. Now, as you can see, everyone has a box in front of them. (interrupted by an actor) Yes? Oh, no. Kevin is the star. He need not be here amongst you amateurs. Now, as I was saying. (clap,clap) Oh, this is so exciting. In each box, there is a character, who you'll be playing. I must add, you desperadoes, that these characters stay locked up in the make-up trailer. Is that clear? No pretending to woo the lads at 'Members Only.' Do I make myself crystal clear? Gooooood. Let's start with you. Open your box and tell us who you will portray."
(Woman shifts in her chair) "Oh, okay. Aah. I play the embittered female cop, who on the outside is tough as nails, and seems to hate all men. But, of course, I'm damaged goods on the inside. I just need a good man to see through my facade, although no one will really be listening to me because they'll be distracted by the mole on my chin."
"Ooooh, I think Margaret Hamilton had your character box last time."
(Clap,clap) "Oooooh, now you. Yes, you with the nappy white hair."
(Man wipes hands on pants) "Man, this box is falling apart."
"Tell us who you are going to be."
"I'm a respected..."
"No. No. The character, please."
"I'm the hard-headed police chief who knew 'Ryan Hardy' back in the day. I want to bust his balls and make his life miserable."
"Well, every show like this needs the good cop/bad cop. I can feel the tension mounting."
(Snickers from group)
"You there, handsome. Open your box and let's hope you are the naughty gay boy."
"Ugh. There's nothing in here."
"Oh, dear. I'm afraid you're the one dimensional black man who fills up air space. I'm afraid you will have to share your box with the black guy on, 'New Girl." Now, don't pout. If this works out, we'll get you another box. Perhaps, the embittered black, male cop."
(Actor starts to cry)
(Clap, clap) "Let's move on, shall we. You, darlings, in the second row. Open your boxes."
(Moans and groans)
"Tsk, tsk. Well, that doesn't bode well. Tell me, tell me."
"Damn. We play the cops who are supposed to watch over the victims, but we get slaughtered by followers of the serial killer because we are the dumb cops who can't think, or shoot straight."
"Ooh, I'm so sorry. Maybe it will be a recurring role. Think positive, kids. What? No gay men on this show? (Two men raise their hands) Ha! I knew it! My, my, you are sweet. Tell me more!"
"We play the followers of a serial killer..."
"Ha! Of course we must have the charming, handsome serial killer. Goodie, goodie. You ladies in the back- Open Sesame."
"I'm victim #1."
"I'm victim #2."
(All talking at once) #4, &, 12, 20..."
"You gals will be in make-up for hours. Isn't this wonderful? Now, I see we even have some adorable puppies and a sweet, cherubic looking boy. That should rip the viewers hearts. Is that it then? Remember, keep your boxes at work. You don't want to lose them just in case this series isn't renewed. Ladies, don't whine. TV always needs the gullible, busty victim." (Clap, clap) Make-up everyone! Break a leg!"